I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize