I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
