Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
