our cab driver is having phone sex.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
