I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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