if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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