I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
we should paint friendship bongs
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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