my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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