She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
