1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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