His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
