I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Randomize
