a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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