Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Too much dab too little lung dying đ”đ”đ”
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldnât help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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