So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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