I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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