this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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