Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
