Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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