I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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