R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize