Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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