Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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