So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
