And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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