i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
We are two peas in an std pod
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
