I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
