Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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