nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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