My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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