ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
