I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
