Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I am one with the molecules
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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