I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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