I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
