stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
