he was CRYING into my vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize