guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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