I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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