So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
