my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
