Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
