Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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