Me. At least after what I've been through.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
