New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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