hotel room ftw
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
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