I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
