Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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