Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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