Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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