Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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