shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
