She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
