Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
