Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
