Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
