you traded sex for a burrito?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
