you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
