Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
