We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
