I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
