Just fell off a train. Bad.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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