The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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