You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
