so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
