How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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