plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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